| Ugh. |
[Jul. 3rd, 2004|01:09 am] |
When things are starting to come back together mentally, they seem to manifest themselves into physical proof. Take my car for example...after spending all week consulting various foreign car interior cleaners, I have found that nothing works better than special industrial strength hand cleaner, persistent scrubbing and the help of large bicepped individuals. I have found that rather than waiting for my dad to "look around for a door" , calling a reliable shop getting one delivered to me for 175 dollars seems to work much better. When i was younger during the winter months my dad would let his homeless friend, Remo sleep on our couch. I ran into him the other day and he wired my door perfectly for 4 beers. I bought a really nice cd player today. it was like 300 bucks but I dont care..the lights flash magenta and that makes me happier than ive been in a long time.
Well, Anyway. I saw Emily this week and she came with me to my grandparents for egg salad sandwhich and cake. She's so sweet and I want her green shirt pretty bad. I also saw Kat and baby Emma and i think they are both fantastic, I only wish I didnt feel so much pressure to be in their presence on a constant basis. Last night I saw Ryan and we went to the Greendale mall, the tjmaxx there made me nervous. We also went to the burnouts and sat on this ledge with our feet hanging down 30 feet over the tunnel. I really wish I took pictures of this, it was so insane. I didnt realize the flamethrowers actually billowed flame, the bottom of my feet turned black with smoke, my hair and eyebrows are singed. The people sitting next to us dove the 6 feet down to the other side, they were so scared! pussies. The smoke made me gag and I probably wont be able to wash it out of my clothes, i am convinced thats why my face decided to erupt today.
I am selling lots and lots of old clothes on ebay, the response has been excellent. ive made about 150 dollars off it so far, for 15 shirts! I have so much more shit up, too.
My sister is the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen, and im not saying that because shes my sister. She has some back problems so Ive been attending to her needs and that makes me feel, for once, needed. In 2 months I will be holding a lovely little girl in my arms and thats definitely something to look forward to.
I drove to westfield earlier this week, too. To meet with an advisor and move out of my old apartment and to see my new one. I need to remind myself to never sign a lease without seriously inspecting the apartment beforehand. Its pretty gross. Theres a lot of painting that needs to be done, a lot of cleaning, a lot of recarpeting, a lot of shower de-molding. In good time it will be liveable. I am hoping the other girl with saggy boobs who lives there will move in with her boyfriend so i can get her "real" room and not live in the "closet" room. im tired of confined spaces. I have too much shit.
I suppose I am writing this because I know that someday very soon, most likely with this coming semester, taking 6 classes and all, i am going to be in a real pissed off fuck it all mood and im going to go back to this post and remember that feeling complacent is still an attainable thing, even after hitting rock bottom, twice.
well shit, my cat is doing the mashed potato on my leg.
good books to read: Anything by tom robbins, the god of small things, the dangerous lives of altar boys, crescent, fall on your knees, valley of the dolls
good movies to watch: mystic river, stepford wives (old), eraserhead (weird david lynch)
good cds: orange 9mm (all), fugazi 13 songs
thats all. sorry so extended and narcissistic. |
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| where is my iguana? |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|12:07 pm] |
I stayed up all night last night sewing.. around 5 I looked up and realized the iguana wasnt at his perch. So i dropped my stuff and looked all around the house.. and I still cant find him. Im wicked paranoid and i really hope he didnt get himself in some horrible crevice or is dying as i type this because he hasnt had his heat lamp all day. the worst part is, my aunt comes home tomorrow and how terrible would it be for me to be like.. " hey.. i cant find your pet"
Im happy to be going home soon.. Im getting way too used to being alone.
today i:
bought sneakers online
went to walmart
made a skirt out of a smurf sheet
watched planes land at the airport.
made a tuna melt
i found out the girls who stole my car lied about their age. one was 16 not 17 and the other was fucking 14, not 15!! thats ridiculous. meg says violence solves problems so maybe i should punch the girls and their parents. or maybe i should just go to court wearing their clothes that were still in my trunk.. teehee
goodnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2004|08:00 pm] |
Good Movies: The Station Agent, Divided we Fall, Coming to America, Gia, Happiness, Welcome to the Dollhouse, The Devils Playground, American Splendor(!), Raising Victor Vargas, Igby Goes Down, The Magdelene Sisters
Good Books: The Secret Life of Bees, The Lovely Bones, Pagan Babies, 1984(!), Lullaby
having mom here was nice. She cried a lot friday but we went to the beach all day yesterday and she seemed OK. Im as tan as I was when I was in Hawaii.
went to the pier last night and smoked cigarettes and observed people.. I watched these boys dance on that video game thing, the one with all the directions and stuff. I was impressed with how well they did but also wondered how much money they must have blown just practicing. Some people sat down with me and talked to me for a while but they were so young and skanky, I felt more maternal than I ever have before.
My aunt comes home wednesday so I need to clean the house cuz its pretty gross. Court thursday, Friday I rip up carpet aka back to the grind.
Namaste. |
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| cold hearted bitch just a kiss on lips and im on my knees. |
[Jun. 19th, 2004|09:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
I wonder how to post pictures in this thing, even though i dont have any pictures to post. Today I painted a mural on my aunts bathroom wall. I hope she likes a young johnny depp. I find him to be an essential part of my bathroom regime therefore i had to stencil him in. He looks pretty hottt..
drank about a gallon of green tea. I brewed it this morning and was planning on just drinking that all day but the food network had this amazing recipe for bean quesidillas so i had to make them. I always feel so retarded food shopping by myself.. and I forgot the sour cream so I stopped at this little grocery mart on the way home and there were these three construction guys who were really intimidating cuz they stared at me the whole time.. and then they were all in line with me and one of them offered me a bite of their pickeled egg. gross. nevertheless it was my only social interaction for the day so it was worth mentioning.
I just finished cleaning the kitchen. i feel bad that I cant leave the iguana his food out but the ants are mutating i think and when i wake up to change his food they completely encompass the little banana chunks.
My mom is coming tomorrow to hang out with me for a few days. it will be nice to have her and maybe being away from the house will help her out. She still isnt eating much and its scary for me to see her so thin... it makes me really paranoid and almost disgusted.
Anyway.. I guess thats all for tonight. I thought about a lot of people today and I wished almost everyone I know a good day.
PS- the canadian rock station up here has been playing this good song by JET, cold hearted bitch. the girl in the video is wicked hot with bangs.. I like bangs |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2004|10:56 am] |
| How to make a really bad posting |
Ingredients:
1 part competetiveness
5 parts crazyiness
3 parts beauty |
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Top it off with a sprinkle of lustfulness and enjoy! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2004|07:36 am] |
my moms out of the hospital finally. im happy they allowed her to go home but she's definitely not the same... i think its all the medication they put her on. She should know that shit definitely doesnt work. especially lexapro, gross.
ryan and rafael and my sister all came up this past weekend. it was really fun but i got way too drunk on friday... we walked around the pier saturday and the boys both got drunk again. my sister and i sat with them and i drank 4 red bulls and she had virgin shirley temples. we were all content in the end. my friend up here got an english bulldog pupper and named her tubbahlou. its the cutest thing ever and i am going to play with her tomorrow after i go to the beach.
i also had lobster and secretly enjoyed the butter more than the actual lobster.
on my way home from worcester yesterday i stopped and saw kat and fran and baby emma. they are adorable. kat got her lip pierced and it made me want to get one wicked bad but i dont want to, really...
im nervous about going to court for my car. i hope worcester judges arent as mean as the cops.
thats all for now. im working on a quilt tonight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|08:53 am] |
I just found out my moms in the hosptial... why the fuck didnt anyone tell me earlier today? I dont understand. she's my best friend... if i go down there there's really nothing they can do. but i cant stay here when i know shes in a fucking gown pacing back and forth in some psychiatric ward.
I feel like i need to go there to prove to her how much i love her... I wouldnt get there until 11 and by then visiting hours would be closed but i wonder if its different for family cuz i would really just like to stay with her all night. I think she is going to be there for a while...
I feel angry. I feel angry at myself for not taking better care of her, I feel angry at my father for just leaving her like this, I feel angry at my friends for not understanding why i couldnt go out, that i needed to stay with her, Im mad because my various roles assigned to me in my life have dealt me nothing but the shaftiest shaft. im writing this because i dont know what else to do. im angry at my mom for wanting to take the easy way out. im angry that she thinks she could ever just leave me. apparently my sister and i and her baby arent worth living for? I kept telling her, think with your head and not your heart.. but here i am housesitting in maine when i could have been in bed with her making sure she wasnt crying. i am so mad at my life this year. its been absolutely horrible and only seems to get worse. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2004|08:19 pm] |
the car is gross, no passenger door, sharpie fuck yous all over the upholstery, no cd player. cig burns. turns out 15 and 17 yr old girls stole it to run away. they left their clothes in the back, and umm. i think they're getting arrested. im wicked confused. whenever i talk to a cop i seem to black out or something. i hope their parents have a lot of money because i dont have 2000 to fix my car. and it makes me mad that i spend 2 and a half weeks without a car while it was sitting in storage 4 days later racking up a 500 dollar stoage bill. god hates me. no other news. i went to worcester and saw ryan and watched monster with my mom. my cat is the only one that really loves me no matter what i do.
i named my car buddha cuz the only thing left of mine in it was a mini statue of him. buddha rocks. end of car-related livejournal postings. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|10:07 pm] |
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Vroom? They found my car in conneticut, apparently with a dented door and grafitti all inside, and of course no spiffy cd player or key.... but i dont care, if anything the grafitti will add a little style to it. vroom vroom vroom, take that you worcester delinquents! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2004|02:08 am] |
I made tabouli and its so good with stuffed grape leaves from the asian market (i thought they were greek?) If you put your food in a smaller dish it makes you feel like you're eating more. I read it at the doctors the other day. isnt that so stupid? please comment on this one.
Ive been up in Biddeford Maine since sunday and will be here until the 24th housesitting for my aunt, who is in Alaska! ( a vacation for all of us! ) Her house is pretty comfortable and her studio is such a great place to start that seed of creativity sprouting.... I am taking care of her Iguana, its name is Doggie. He's quite a creature, i let him walk around the house and he comes up and sits on my lap sometimes.. and sometimes if you take a banana and hold it up to his mouth, he'll just get all voracious and rip massive chunks of it off. it always makes me laugh.. Im also taking care of 5 little chickens. they're going through "puberty" now so theyre just molting all over the place.. I want some, you can get them through the mail (live) for like 3 bucks each and have free eggs and something to take care of.... I would love to get some for my house but I dont even know if my mom is planning on selling it this summer.. or what.. its all up in the air, unfortunately.
Today i drove to goodwill and found some good stuff...but they all looked wicked disgusting on me so i just bought one of those old fashioned bathing caps just because.. and some other things.. a tape for the car i am using up here because the radio sucks. still no word on my car yet. bummer. i bet the guy who has it is cruising around the ghetto right now. i would rather that then have it be in a million pieces.. oh well... i also bought some fleece slipper socks.. they were brand new, 3 bucks. i am going to go put them on now and eat more tabouli.
Namaste. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2004|09:32 pm] |
I wonder what circumstances actually spur me into this sporadic livejournal posting. Obviously it only occurs to me about two or three times a year. Its really just lots of boredom combined with a long string of shitty happenings that i wont plague you with.
Today I went with my mom to her therapy session. I read garfield in the waiting room and enjoyed the comfort of knowing countless other "sad" people sat on that couch waiting to be healed. I also realized that being a psych major sucks. With one more year to go, I finally realize this? A depressing epiphany indeed. after that we went out to lunch at this natural food restauraunt. I had soy chicken on flatbread with mozzerella and all those tasty toppings. We stopped at Trader Joes and got some more food, then got gas and I pumped while my mom sat in the car and cried because that gas station was the last one her and my dad went to before the fiasco. We went home and cleaned the kitchen and spent time with my sister.. who is so cute and pregnant i just want to squeeze the bejesus out of her. I went outside and read more of my book, the Celestine Prophecy, which i highly recommend for some heavy philisophical summer reading...
not much else. I pondered the whereabouts of my car quite a bit.. my strep throat is feeling much better, and that makes me happy because my tonsils were looking really scary yesterday.
im trying to stay optimistic. i go to maine this sunday for a month to housesit and take care of my aunts iguana and her baby chickens. for some reason, i know those baby chickens will make being alone not so bad.
thats all for tonight. note not so new but newer user picture. more to come hopefully. |
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| murmur |
[Nov. 22nd, 2003|12:08 pm] |
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Last night was weird. I came home at 4 or so and cleaned up the apartment, i thought my roommates entire extended family would be there after her play.. So i had to hide everything and throw away like 3 bags of trash.. it looks great but of course they didnt end up staying after the play.. which is good because i left out an empty jug of wine.. haha anyway.. I went to see cali at jesters.. it was totally packed, blues night open mic. got a cafe mocha and stood around for a while but it got to the point where I wasnt breathing in actual air anymore.. just.. second hand breath.. eh.. so i left and went to see ryan upstairs. he was so cute, he had this whole candle set up, i called him my little martha stewart. we watched xmen two.. then went to bobs.. I guess everyone seemed kind of out of it or maybe I was just being overly paranoid but i felt a litle uncomfortable. whenever i go there its like the same routine.. the guys all go and play cribbage while their hot 16 year old coworkers sit next to them chain smoking camel lights and twirling their hair.. i sit in the living room and talk about random things like how murmur is a weird word. around 11 the roomie called and we went and got her.. and then everything was fine after that.. we had fun.. ended up going to bed around 4:30 or so this morning at hazens apartment. i feel dizzy and kind of hungry.. today i take the bus to springfield to meet kathy.. and then we're going out for crab legs! mmm.. then to megs play.. it should be fun but i may call it an early night and just rent a movie after the play.. I really cant wait to go home.. its been about a month i want to say.. and it would be great if the semester was over and i could go for a month.. but that will be coming up soon enough.. I hope to spend time with everyone.. like.. my family and my sister and then kat and EM! I havent talked to kat in forever and miss her soo much.. i think she is 7 months pregnant this week.. which is amazing.. im really excited.. on a more random end note. my cat is awesome and she has a dreadlock just like mine.. <3 |
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| She smiles because she likes what you have to say. |
[Nov. 17th, 2003|11:08 pm] |
I went to poetry night down the street. I've been going quite religiously despite the fact that it takes much pacing to actually get myself out the door. I like the people there and i sit with the greatest kids ever. they're all still in high school but they're just so freaky-cute.. and affectionate, too. and this one kid always thrusts out his crotch whenever he's done reading his poem.. totally unconsciously too. Next week I may read. im not sure. it would be the bravest thing ive ever done. besides getting a huge tattoo.
I like my new place. and I love my roommate. she's a great girl, with good taste too, so i borrow all her clothes all the time. I don't know where i would be without her sometimes. probably living in a terrible apartment by myself. its nice to know good things still happen to good people.
next semester i am taking behavior modification. I wonder if i could make myself be more outgoing and less aware of myself. its this big internal struggle that only i control. its an interesting thought, though.. and it would be nice to be able to belt out all those bitchy things that need to be said to all those assholes out there. hmmmmmmm.....
I met a friend tonight.. well.. ive known her for a while but we met up again at a party twice in one week and i finally realized that this girl was pretty cool. so wednesday we are going to yoga and then perhaps a party afterwards.. i like these parties ive been going to lately.. i feel comfortable.. and i talk a lot.. mostly about intelligent things.. its feels good to be challenged. speaking of that.. i have to do some homework. aced my astronomy test today though. yay for me.. boo for my professor, who seems to have no faith in me.
poo on you. |
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| hey now.... |
[May. 14th, 2003|04:50 pm] |
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schools out for the summer! well i am home so anyone who reads this and knows me and wants to hang out should email me.. because i probably miss you a wicked lot... |
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| crazy!! |
[Jan. 18th, 2003|02:01 am] |
I havent even checked this livejournal thing for ages. I don't even know what im doing here. Anyway. i leave tomorrw to go back to school. but i am excited about workingin the gallery and i guess im gonna be able to have like a little kiosk style thing where i can sell my little scarves and things. I have been extremely crafty lately. my mother made this strikingly funny comment about how i am like an autistic child when it comes to crafts. I sort of knew what she meant but I don't think im completely entranced. I just really like to create things. especially small cute things. anyway. Ive been thinking about high school and a lot and all those people i dont associate with. I think ive reachd the point where i feel like. okay. i havent talked to these people in forever, they're probably pissed at me. and therefore i should go out of my way now to hide when i see them or not contact them. i miss high school people but i feel like i never have time for anything. between family and work and things of that sort. I guess as you grow older you sort of put your past behind you and move on. see different people as you continue to develop your own personality. blah blah blah. Just things ive been thinking about since ive been back home in Hudson
im excited about school too... because its just such a social way of life, always being surrounded by people, always having all this drama going on. It wears me out but at the same time i can't get enough of it. my largest complaint is the food and how unhealthy it is. im sorry but macaroni and cheese cassarole and cheeseburger chowder really isnt my idea of a healthy dinner. i would like to lose like 25 pounds and look really awesome in the summer so i can wear one of those victorias secrets bathing suits. i still could i would just feel wicked gross.
food is the enemy.
bed time... i had a bit to drink and a bit to smoke tonight. excuse the exxagerated eloquency of my entry. ha. peace out. |
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| bored |
[Oct. 30th, 2002|11:06 am] |
1. What's on your bedside table? alarm clock light medicine jewelry box candy wrappers kleenex and a copy of " into the wild "
2. What's the geekiest part of your music collection? thereis nothing geeky about music, bitch
3. What do you eat when you raid the fridge at night? I dont...because i have nothing but a sweet potato and orange juice in my fridge...
4. What is your secret guaranteed weeping film? the lion king
5. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? liposuction on my butt..
6. Do you have a completely irrational fear? things chasing me when i go up stairs
7. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? playing with the fringge on my scarf
8. Do you ever have to beg? no i usually get my way after i whine
9. Do you have too many love interests? uno
10. Do you know anyone famous? myself
11. Describe your bed: a yellow comforter.. down blanket.. body pillow.. regular pillow.. a cat
12. Spontaneous or plan? i dont really make plans... nor do anything spontaneous
13. Who should play you in a movie about your life? no one.. my life is horribly boring.. the movie would be a snoozer
14. Do you know how to play poker? not really
15. What do you carry with you at all times? hearing aid batteries...and my id and keys.. god forbid i dont have my id
16. How do you drive? i havent driven in a while.. but i think i drive OK
17. What do you miss most about being little? being incredibly cute and fat
18. Are you happy with your given name? definitely.. even though its super popular now
19. What color is your bedroom? light yellow walls.. darker yellow trim
20. What was the last song you were listening to? fast car... tracy chapman i think
21. Have you ever been in a school play? god no id shit myself
22. Have you ever been in love? currently
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? not really
25. Do you think you're cute? sometimes i think im like that little girl on monster inc. but older. and cuter
26. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? kinda sorta... |
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| waiting |
[Oct. 23rd, 2002|11:08 am] |
Waiting for a meeting with my advisor.. i figured instead of walking up and down four flights of stairs.. id hang out here until 11:30 and then go back up to my room then.. i feel wicked crappy and i had a really horrible string of bad dreams last night... they made no sense.. but equalled out to the horror of finding out you accidently peeled your entire face off... i have dreams like that a lot.. that ill be doing something casually and then realize in horror that i have ruined myself entirely.. i find myself not really wanting to socialize with anyone lately.. i lock the door and if anyone knocks and i start to panic.. i dont think its neccassary social anxiety and i need to take double doses of paxil.. but it is a concern for me... im more worried about my mom than anything else.. i dont think she should be alone... and i hate the feeling of coming home on the weekends and realizing that... my mom expects me to spend a lot of time with her.. which i dont mind at all but i always feel so bad saying something like.. " mom is it okay if i go out for a little while? " i wish my dad would visit more.. or my sister didnt have to work the exact opposite hours of her... sometimes i wish she would try to adopt a baby because she just has so much time.. and so much love and compassion and caring.. or i wish she would at least try to go out and meet some new people.. shes always had chronic depression.. it just seems to be getting worse lately.. last night she said.. " i dont know.. emma.. i think i am running out of paitence " and here i am.. bawling my eyes out and hoping to god she never really does run out of patience.... i dont think she would ever do anything like that though..
on a more.. optimistic note.. its my sisters birthday this weekend.. im excited.. i got her a bunch of little funky things.. perfume from the gap.. sweater socks.. a painting i made.. zodiac soap... and i made some swirly stencils for her room.. my dad is painting it pink for her birthday.. much better than the violent teal it was before..
I hung out with emily this weekend.. and she made me feel a lot better about myself... I feel like.. when im here.. im constantly checking myself to make sure i look okay.. and paranoid because i dont want people to be like.. " oh my god that girl looks so (insert rude comment here) " i used to pride myself on the fact that i didnt give a shit.. and now ive realized that i do.. and it sucks... anyway... she did my hair and made it look a little better and complimented me.. so i felt special and cool once again... there are not very many people in the world that can do these things for me
mike took me canoeing on the assabet river.. it was nice.. except windy and i had some issues paddling.. and i stepped in a massive pad of what looked like dirt but ended up being really soft disgusting river bed mud... and it made a squelching noise...
anyway.. im just trying to waste some time.. 8 minutes left.. i think im going to walk down the hall really slowly.. wish me luck... |
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| flaming asshole..... |
[Oct. 4th, 2002|05:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
So yeah.. this week went by really fast..and it was okay I guess.. i had two tests so i was really pumped up and all set to study all week.. i did good on my first one.. but i did horrible on the second one.. and cried immediatly aftyer taking it.. i felt like such a failure.. but its aquatic biology.. and its so hard...and frustrating because its not even a core so i shouldnt let it kick my ass... oh well.. whatever.. we'll find out next week how i did.. and umm.. im staying here at school this weekend because its parents weekend.. my mom, dad, sister, both grammas, and my great aunt are all coming up.. and im so excited.. i love them all and they're all like.. " OH!!! YOURE SO CUTE! " and give me money just for being so goddamned cute.. ahh.. i love it! anyway.. i have no plans for this weekend otherwise.. we might go to northhampton on sunday which should be so fun because i really need a new pair of shoes and they have the best ones there.. im excited.. i want ones with cats on them... speaking of cats.. i miss mine.. meow
ive been obsessed with roy lichtenstein prints lately...and ive been taking transparencies and copying all of them.. im going to blow them up on my projector and make tons of HUGE roy lichtenstein prints.. i am so excited.. i have no idea what im going to do with them after they're all done.. but i may get them framed and hang them in a series in my room.. my ode to pop art.. now.. if i could just take this same passion i have with art and apply it to my schoolwork... Ugh....
bye bye.. :+) |
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| i feel like poo |
[Sep. 22nd, 2002|12:23 am] |
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ahh well.. my weekend is going allright.. i came home on thursday and stayed with mike until today,, it was wicked nice.. we worked on our homework together.. and watched movies.. im kinda sick, though.. which is so weird cuz i havent gotten sick in almost two years.. but ill be allright.. i just need to find some vicks stuff.. my mom bought a new keyboard for the computer,, one of those ones that are separated in the middle.. i hate it!! i cant type for shit on it.. its like im back in the days of looking at the keyboard while typing... but anyway.. im off to do some laundry and stuff.. later later |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2002|07:02 pm] |
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hey.. havent written in this in forever... whoo.. nothing going on though.. just wanted to say hi... sorry i dont have pages and pages of my life to write.. no time.. must enjoy life.. haha.. bye |
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seeemilyplay's journal